It’s a horror plot so surefire that you wonder why it hasn’t been done before: Young people play a mysterious new videogame and start to die, isa - isa, in grisly scenes mimicking their game deaths. Stay Alive runs through this plot with such a plodding lack of imagination that you think again: Parang napanood ko na ito ah, on The X-Files or a direct-to-video picture you missed. Surely a movie this tired can’t be the first crack at a fundamentally decent genre idea?

Stay Alive gets around this conundrum easily by knocking off The Ring and throwing in a little of the Final Destination series: the former’s ghostly gimmick mixed with the latter’s view of life as an elaborate series of macabre booby traps. Unfortunately, even the cut-and-paste is botched; no Ring-style tension builds, and the PG-13 rating curtails the death scenes, most of which all but cut away before the character’s gory fate is sealed. Yes, you read that right: Stay Alive is like a Final Destination movie without the death scenes.

Although kung hanap mo lang ay kakatakutan, eh nood kana.

Tubig!

Film critics maybe had a hard time controlling their hard-ons after Scarlett Johansson’s steamy romp with Josh Hartnett in the new Brian de Palma film, The Black Dahlia. Desperate to hide the tell-tale signs of human sexual arousal (which is Scarlett Johansson territory), dismissing the sex scene as an “unecessary distraction” is probably the only thing critics could do to deflect attention from their own “raging” erections, uncontrollable sweating, and the sudden urge to seek the sanctuary of a soundproofed cubicle.

“Now, let me get this straight. The critics don’t want to see Scarlett Johansson getting all hot and sweaty on a 30-foot screen? They think that sort of thing ruins a movie? What they’re not saying is that they basically couldn’t get their hard-ons under control, and probably had to sit very awkwardly for the rest of the screening.”

Tsk. Exactly my point. Saying no to something as amazing as Scarlett without the clothes on is Just. Simply. Insane. If we want fully-clothed, polite characters saying hello to each other endlessly on screen, let’s all settle watching Oprah and skip the rest of the universe.

I’ve always had the impression that Christianity and Sexuality don’t mix but the website Sex in Christ proved me wrong. In fact, it goes above and beyond the promotion of sexuality by encouraging BDSM, anal sex, and fisting among others.

Fisting as an Act of Faith

Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.

Both should treat the act of fisting as a divine spiritual mystery to be entered into with reverence and awe, especially the husband. In another spiritual interpretation of fisting, as he inserts his hand into his wife’s vagina, a man is symbolically re-enacting the moment of truth following Christ’s resurrection from the tomb, when Doubting Thomas touches the wounds in the Savior’s flesh: Then He said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and observe My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side. Don’t be an unbeliever, but a believer.” (John 20:27) Thomas’ doubt would not be satisfied until he physically felt the wounds in Christ’s body and penetrated His flesh with his hand. Likewise, the spiritual and sexual power of fisting cannot be known unless experienced physically.